I had been a blind beggar for so long.
So much time had passed that I didn’t recognise a full, proper meal from ordinary, sometimes tasteless crumbs.
Even today I don’t know for sure the reason I fed on crumbs. It was never altogether appealing, neither was it satisfying but in a sad and twisted way, it was sort of reliable, at least after much begging.
For as long as I can remember, I had been on the search for affection, affirmation and acceptance. Worse, it came to me in all the wrong vessels because I was so hungry for it.
Looking back, I don’t even think the vessels were wrong in themselves. All that hunger and neediness would have drained even the best people.
When asked the sort of man I would marry, my answer was always the same.
I want someone who is crazy about Jesus and crazy about me.
Out of God’s extravagant mercy, He made me see that I first had to be those things before He could send someone who would be crazy about Him and me.
What am I really saying?
One, I had to see that no man could fill the void places in me. Only God has that job description, only God does it well.
Two, I couldn’t love myself until I was surrendered to God and found my identity, worth and value in Him.
Three, I never again had to take the crumbs. Each day, I only had to look to Jesus for my daily bread. Once I started to look to Him for my every need, I stopped lacking. I stopped being discontent and dissatisfied.
My wholeness – the affection, affirmation and acceptance I sought had already been given. I had only to reach out and get it.
It freed me forever. You can experience this too.
Don’t get discouraged though. I’ve had to walk this path daily. Trust me, it’s entirely worth it.