Spiraling!

God, I fell short again.

“I’m not coming back again. Deep down I know this is the last straw. I have struggled with this feeling of inadequacy for so long. I get up each day and fight it but someone or something reminds me of how low I feel. It’s in subtle statements, it’s in their look. It’s in the comparison, it’s in my fear of being noticed or the fear of messing up.

I wasn’t taking the drugs anymore. I stopped for a while. I got saved. I wasn’t sleeping with Tasha anymore. I got saved. I wasn’t even lying or looking at those pictures anymore. I got saved.

Things got really cool for a few days until I had that familiar desire to smoke something. Then as if to make things worse, Tasha started coming around more often. I told her no so many times but she was relentless. She would snicker at any talk about my being saved.

Things were really hard. I tried to pray but it felt like my words were bouncing off the walls. How could God possibly listen to someone like me, someone with such filthy thoughts and sinful inclinations? I needed to be holy but the concept evaded me.

Eventually I felt so far gone that I gave in to sin. I just fell flat. I felt so horrible afterwards. I cried for God to forgive me, to change me. I wanted to be a whole new person. So I started to work hard and be cautious. It worked well for a while until I landed whole in another sin.

It soon became a trend. I didn’t want it but I fell into it. I would ask forgiveness and off I went again. So exhausting.

I figure that if I’m exhausted, God must be too. I can’t be a good person and I’m tired of disappointing God. So I’m done.”

Judy, the nurse who wheeled the young man into theatre around midnight found the scribbled note in his jeans pocket.

His name was Samuel. He was about 17 years old, orphaned at age 4 and living with relatives ever since.

He was in the ICU fighting for his every breath since he was found overdosed on drugs.

Judy, the middle aged nurse sat in a corner and wept. He was only a child but the powers of darkness didn’t care. They wanted his soul and it looked like they were about to get it.

Judy knew that everything he went through, all the thoughts that plagued him were the systematic lies of satan. How could she communicate to the coming generation that the devil was a horrible schemer and a terrible liar?

How could she convince folks that coming to Jesus meant complete and total forgiveness and a clean slate. How else could she let them know that the sinful desires they sometimes experienced was as a result of the sinful nature of the flesh but that in Christ, they had the victory.

Judy knew that no matter how many times a believer fell, God would raise him up. We didn’t need to try to be holy because in Christ, we became the righteousness of God.

Here in this room, at this moment there was a contention for the soul of the 17 year old Samuel and Judy knew how to win battles. On her knees, she summoned the hosts of Heaven.

10 thoughts on “Spiraling!

  1. This is so touching and inspiring. Sometimes it’s so hard to grasp the concept of God’s mercy and grace through Christ. This is what the devil most times feed on, inciting thoughts that “you keep messing up and you think God can forgive you this time, you better continue enjoying your sin and stop worrying about forgiveness.” But then, God remains ever faithful and merciful, his arms open wide to take us back and clean us up whenever we fall short. Such a wonderful father

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmmm. God is too faithful to say no to us when we return to Him. His grace will continue to see us through life. Well done daughter. More grace and anointing in Jesus name.

    Liked by 1 person

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