Sometimes I wonder if it’s true what he said. I keep remembering his words and I believe them some of the time. Today is a different matter altogether. I think it’s because I’m especially aware of my flaws and failures.
They say he still loves me. How is that even possible when I don’t even like myself? I’m mad at me for failing everytime. I’m so pissed at myself for giving in after series of promises to never go that way. I’m frustrated with me because I can’t seem to do the right thing.
And he loves me? The crazy part is they say when I do stupid stuff, he doesn’t love me less. He actually loves me a little more. They say my imperfections draw him closer to me. He loves me for my imperfections. And when I do crazy shit, he doesn’t turn away from me. He turns toward me.
I can’t do anything to ever push him away. He loves me just the same. For a long time I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. I needed to be loved so badly but I couldn’t believe it’ll just be given. I had to earn it. So I struggled and struggled. And the more I tried to do right to earn his love, the more I failed. I just couldn’t live up to expectation. And it broke my heart.
It broke my resolve. And I just felt less and less.
Then somehow I connected with an old friend. He told me he felt just as terrible. Even worse. His friend was brutally humiliated and about to be killed and he just stood there. He said he didn’t just not do anything to help, he actually denied him. He was so scared he told everyone who insisted that he had never seen the guy before.
Of course he realized what he had done but the horrible thing was, he couldn’t say sorry. His friend was killed. I felt even more terrible hearing his story. But then he smiled and said, my story ends good.
He said a few days later, some women came to him and said, our master is risen! Of course he couldn’t believe them but what struck him about their story was the message they had received. The women said, the master told us to return to Jerusalem and tell his disciples and Peter that he had risen.
Haha. Yes. My friend’s name is Peter. Peter said the moment he heard that, he knew two things. First, his friend was truly alive. And second, he was loved and forgiven. He said he couldn’t wrap his mind around it but then he didn’t need to. He couldn’t ever apologize enough. He couldn’t turn back the hands of time but he could let go of his guilt and accept the love and forgiveness his friend offered without conditions.
Peter’s friend is one and the same with the one who loved us enough to die for everyone of us. He loves us exactly as we are and without conditions. It’s up to you to let go of your guilt and accept his unconditional love. You will never be able to earn it so don’t try. Just accept it.
Yes I did too. And just like Peter, I’ve found a friend in Jesus that loves unconditionally and freely.